Love Letter to the one that got away

The planet earth has five continents, 208 nations, with 208 capital cities, 4416 cities, over 7000 Languages, and has a population of 7.12 billions.


Small choices and decisions have lead to this. Parents decided to move Continent - one step closer. It was all leading to one moment. This one moment. From Berlin to Hamburg. Hamburg to Reims. Reims to Paris. Paris to Orleans and finally to London. It was all leading to one thing, one moment. Alone in a city trying to make it by taking on the first job that came my way even if I was way too overqualified. Fate? I don’t know if I believe in that… Call it a waterfall of decisions directing me step by step to one thing – one moment.


This moment when I saw you for the first time. When I saw a huge black Hulk at the till of this store. Out of all the big black hulks alive, this one happened to be you.

I smiled at you and you smiled back. The sweetest and most genuine soul in this huge body of yours. You were so shy you dropped your stuff when I started talking to you.

I gave you my number hoping I would see you again, and I did.

Our first date was not awkward or weird. It just felt natural. We laughed a lot and I felt comfortable with you. I found that you were exactly what I had always imagined a man should be: respectful, funny, smart, a gentleman with a gentle soul. Your Inner beauty was shining, and you were big and beautiFULL from HEAD to toe.

I couldn’t stop thinking about you, talking to you; I never had enough of you. We would spend hours on the phone when we weren’t with each other.

On our first night together it felt like I knew my Black P for years and years, it was so natural. I knew that I could count on you and I knew that no matter what would happen, you would be the person I would always have love for and I would go through hell for. Unfortunately, I am not a kind of person to show too many emotions. I do regret having been cold to you at times where I should’ve showed you that I did care. I shouldn’t have been such a douche on Valentines Day. Throughout my time in London you were constantly a part of my life and I miss you.

Human beings make mistakes. We can be very stubborn – I know I can. You knew me, the real me, I had no secrets. Every time we had an argument or were fighting over something, you always knew when I was just being a bitch, or when something did really upset me. And you knew how to resolve whatever issue we had. You were the one making the first step when you knew I was hurt and my stubbornness would take the best of me. I loved hugging you. You rarely feel hugs where you can feel the love.

I remember Valentines Day like it was yesterday. We had so much fun! We always did. I also remember one of our second dates where you asked me to pay so you could see my reaction. That night was the night I realised you were someone special. Nothing in particular happened, but I remember us laughing a lot. I remember that this was the night where I gave you your nickname. The Black P. I remember going home and being positively surprised by how well you actually knew me, without you even noticing. But typical S, I wouldn’t have admitted it, and never will.

That being said, all was not perfect. We had one thing we couldn’t work out, which I think is very frustrating. We gave too much importance to what our family would say about this one thing. I also believe, that we were both stuck on our own stubbornness and argued about something that wasn’t even an issue at this particular point, and secondly was/is out of our control. I am sure we would’ve found a solution to it.

But we couldn’t get over it, and it ended up tearing us apart – for a little while. We couldn’t stay away from each other. But weirdly, something like a power game developed. I do regret my decision on Valentines Day. I shouldn’t have been so caught up in the present. I was enjoying my life and wasn’t sure if I was ready for you. If I was ready to be the one you deserve. I should’ve just gone for it. When I realized I was ready, you were over it already. And this is where our vicious circle started. Blame it on our young age? I don’t know. 

As much as you made me happy, you had the power to hurt me as well. And you did hurt me to the core once. I wont go too much into details, but the decision you made for both of us was, in my opinion out of place, and as a matter of fact, totally against your religion, and in addition to that, not yours to make. Thankfully it did blow away in no time.

This was the moment, the moment that changed our relationship. After that, I couldn’t see you in the same lights anymore, and my view changed. I realized that despite this beautiful human being that you are and the love you had for me, you were never there on any of my birthdays. You didn’t want to meet my partner in crime. I was never there for your birthdays except one, where you came to sleep at mine after partying with your boys. You never introduced me to your friends. I only briefly talked to your brother over the phone ones.

I do understand part of those things you did – or didn’t do.

Despite all those things my lovely P, I still couldn’t think of anyone else when I got asked who was the one who got away.

I know you said you couldn’t be the one that got away as you were still here. But fact of matter is: You are not. We have established this distance between us so we can both move on, which we both did. Even if I am convinced that we were perfect for each other, spent lots of amazing and funny days and nights, hilarious moments (like when I was walking behind you after your birthday party and you got scared and started running – even if you say you were trying to punch…we both know the truth) You will always be part of my life and I will always have love for you.

Whenever you need someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, to cry with…You can count on me, I will be your mother whenever you need someone to take care of you, your brother whenever you need someone to have fun with “So I'll be your water bathing you clean. Liquid blue. I'll be your father, I'll be your mother, I'll be your lover, I'll be yours, I'll be your liqour bathing your soul” #Placebo

Being "Hard" - being "Judgmental"

So, this post is about a lot of different things that I've come across today...

Lets start with the first one... people try to be hard and ghetto... The whole music and movie industry brainwashing us, making us want to be one thing or the other... where exactly does that lead us?

I saw this video today showing a good example of it... this 13 year old boy gets sent to jail to meet some real criminals, and ends up crying and begging etc... This video has shown a lot of controversy, but personally, I believe that it is definitely a good lesson for those youngstas trying to be or act hard...

Growing up in a not so great or posh area, I know how it is to be friends with the bad guys, and you think it's cool to be friends with them, you want them to like you or whatever... well you shouldn't! I think it is important to be cool with them, but not to that extent where you join the gang or anything, especially not at that age!

I absolutely loved the inmates harsh but true comments, showing his wounds and explaining that it all happened because he was hanging around the wrong people, thinking they were his friends, but then he is the one with the wounds and in jail - but at least alive I must add!


You see a lot of statistics about how young men/women end up dead...the lucky ones get out of it, the less lucky ones in jail, and the really unlucky ones dead...


This actually brings me to my second point - being judgmental!


So you know how people don't hire you because you were in jail or because you have a criminal record or whatever...or how people look at you, especially here in Europe/Germany, and make fun of the way you talk because you're from the ghetto, though they act all hard and listen to 2Pac or Biggie, but judge you because you were raised in the ghetto!? Even if you are educated, this etiquette is going to follow you around, people are going to look at you differently, or make comments like "Yes but you're different". No you're not! you just know how to use what language!! You know how to behave in both situation, your vocabulary and language is so much more diverse than theirs ever would!

You know how to handle certain situations with a lot more patience, knowledge AND balls!

Growing up in the ghetto doesn't make you stupid...maybe you don't have that Harvard education but hell, you know how to provide, respect and help people! Which I believe is a lot more important!

I have now seen this other video of a 23 year old Berliner lady being disgustingly rude and disrespectful to other passengers...what I thought was quite interesting, the first passenger who stands up and tells her to stay in her lane is, based on his language, someone who either is from or know a lot of people from less fortunate places in Berlin, the fact that he stands up and says something is another indication that this guy not only has certain values and has had a pretty good education... most likely from a so called "third world country" or "Islamic country" or something similar... I dont know him, so I cant really tell..

now the second man who is also the guy filming stands up, and not only tells her to stay quite, but he says something really interesting. He just got out of jail a couple of days ago, AND YET, being the "bad boy put aside by society" etc etc, you can tell that he has more respect and more courage, than everybody else, including the guy she spit on! He tells her to apologize, and gives her 23 years of education in a couple minutes...












Now this guy is probably someone coming from a hard and difficult place, who doesn't talk Harvard, but at the same time, shows how smart, respectful and well educated he is! For those who speak German, you will notice how elegantly his chose his words, and how while all people make fun of the "ghetto" or "religious" or whatever kind of connotations, he has a point! Now people listen to him and even clap! If he would be talking to his friends, I am not sure how the response would be, even the guy whom he defended might have thing of him as a "ghetto baba"...

Long story short: Stop judging people because of where they're from or how they talk! it does not make the stupid or less intelligent or respectful than any other human alive!!

That's it from me...some stuff I had to let go of... it just was really bothering me! Stop making fun of other people! end of Story..! It's all about helping and being there for other people, not thinking you're better than this or that person!

Children of the World

I thought I'd use my first blog post to tell you guys a bit about me, where I'm from, what I do, and why I even decided to start this blog. So here it comes :


I like to call myself a child of the world, coming from everywhere, travelling throughout the whole world, and facing a few struggles I am sure we all go through.

I have been told so many times to just write a blog and tell people about my thoughts and my complexity...and this is the exact reason why I finally decided to start this blog. I believe that I have a pretty particular point of view, and I dont see myself in one specific group of people...So I started asking myself why? I have friends that are so different one from another, but...why is that so ?


Here is what I found out... as I lived 10 Years of my life in Africa, spending at least 1 or 2 month each year in Arabic countries. I heard that in the first few years of your life define how you will become later. I'm talking behaviour, intelligence and even emotional health... Not sure how right this is, but coming from a North-African mother and a mixed raced daddy, me and my family were always very multi-cultural, which has become nowadays something, that I am very happy about. It made me become like a chameleon...No matter the country, the people I am around, the atmosphere, I can integrate myself quite easily.












When I was a child living in Africa, most of my friends called me white, which...well...pretty much sucked as I didn't see myself as a "white girl"... At the end of the day, I was born there as much as they were...spoke the same languages than the other kids and even went to the same school..(I guess now I quite understand how a lot of mixed in this world feel like).


When I moved to Germany, it was the complete opposite, I wasn't white anymore... guess what? I was black..! Ha..! The best part is yet to come... I moved to France when I turned 20...ended up being seen as an Arab Lady..!


What Irony... I mean, this totally could confuse me, but...to be honest... I didn't bother at all as I learned to embrace all of my origins... I am white, black, and Arab (I guess that would count as yellow if we follow the color patterns ;D ) And I absolutely love it..! I can be whatever I want to be, because this is who I am... Everything... When people ask me where I'm from... I can't really be bothered to explain... I only say: I am a child of the world, I am from everywhere.


In my opinion, this is the right way to be... having so many different friends, in and from different parts of the world, living all over the world, I have figured out that every ethnic affiliation has their opinions about other ethnic groups... for example, we all know about the Neo-Nazis in Germany, we know that...well...almost the whole world feels a certain way towards Arabs (this damn Media... Putting them all in the same bowl and calling them terrorists), Africans/Afro-Americans, and Caribbean hold a certain grudge towards Europeans/white people... well... I think you get my point...












Funnily enough, the way the world changed made everything accessible to all of us...and I ended up having a lot of nomad friends as well... they weren't born as nomad...not like me...I mean me moved to 3 different cities by the time I turned 6, but they ended up travelling and explore the world as well...


Back in 2011, I travelled to Tanzania for a few months, and went to this island in Tanzania called Zanzibar, some of you might know this Island...So...I ran into a friend of mine I studied with on an evening on my way to the food market... which I thought was totally random, but again, we studied the same thing we the chances we were in the same place at the same time weren't that small... Now guess what, I walk down the street back to my hotel on my last day in Zanzibar, and hear someone calling my name...first I didn't even turn around...I mean, who would call me...then I heard it again and I turned around...A friend I hadn't seen for over 5 years I knew from back in Berlin suddenly standing there in front of me?! What are the odds ?!




I bet you guys also have crazy stories to share... even though I believe this technology and everything is just moving way to fast, especially being an 80s kid, there are some crazy positive sides to it... you get to go around the world, meet random people, find friends in so many different countries from different cultures and you get to actually know a little about those cultured and you must agree, some of them are just fascinating, and some are really similar regardless the huuuuuge distance in between them...but I will get to that on a different Post with real life examples...

So far that's all I have to share... I'm actually too tired to focus so it's Bedtime for me...


Cheers champs..!