The planet earth has five continents, 208 nations, with 208 capital cities, 4416 cities, over 7000 Languages, and has a population of 7.12 billions.
Small choices and decisions have lead to this. Parents decided to move Continent - one step closer. It was all leading to one moment. This one moment. From Berlin to Hamburg. Hamburg to Reims. Reims to Paris. Paris to Orleans and finally to London. It was all leading to one thing, one moment. Alone in a city trying to make it by taking on the first job that came my way even if I was way too overqualified. Fate? I don’t know if I believe in that… Call it a waterfall of decisions directing me step by step to one thing – one moment.
This moment when I saw you for the first time. When I saw a huge black Hulk at the till of this store. Out of all the big black hulks alive, this one happened to be you.
I smiled at you and you smiled back. The sweetest and most genuine soul in this huge body of yours. You were so shy you dropped your stuff when I started talking to you.
I gave you my number hoping I would see you again, and I did.
Our first date was not awkward or weird. It just felt natural. We laughed a lot and I felt comfortable with you. I found that you were exactly what I had always imagined a man should be: respectful, funny, smart, a gentleman with a gentle soul. Your Inner beauty was shining, and you were big and beautiFULL from HEAD to toe.
I couldn’t stop thinking about you, talking to you; I never had enough of you. We would spend hours on the phone when we weren’t with each other.
On our first night together it felt like I knew my Black P for years and years, it was so natural. I knew that I could count on you and I knew that no matter what would happen, you would be the person I would always have love for and I would go through hell for. Unfortunately, I am not a kind of person to show too many emotions. I do regret having been cold to you at times where I should’ve showed you that I did care. I shouldn’t have been such a douche on Valentines Day. Throughout my time in London you were constantly a part of my life and I miss you.
Human beings make mistakes. We can be very stubborn – I know I can. You knew me, the real me, I had no secrets. Every time we had an argument or were fighting over something, you always knew when I was just being a bitch, or when something did really upset me. And you knew how to resolve whatever issue we had. You were the one making the first step when you knew I was hurt and my stubbornness would take the best of me. I loved hugging you. You rarely feel hugs where you can feel the love.
I remember Valentines Day like it was yesterday. We had so much fun! We always did. I also remember one of our second dates where you asked me to pay so you could see my reaction. That night was the night I realised you were someone special. Nothing in particular happened, but I remember us laughing a lot. I remember that this was the night where I gave you your nickname. The Black P. I remember going home and being positively surprised by how well you actually knew me, without you even noticing. But typical S, I wouldn’t have admitted it, and never will.
That being said, all was not perfect. We had one thing we couldn’t work out, which I think is very frustrating. We gave too much importance to what our family would say about this one thing. I also believe, that we were both stuck on our own stubbornness and argued about something that wasn’t even an issue at this particular point, and secondly was/is out of our control. I am sure we would’ve found a solution to it.
But we couldn’t get over it, and it ended up tearing us apart – for a little while. We couldn’t stay away from each other. But weirdly, something like a power game developed. I do regret my decision on Valentines Day. I shouldn’t have been so caught up in the present. I was enjoying my life and wasn’t sure if I was ready for you. If I was ready to be the one you deserve. I should’ve just gone for it. When I realized I was ready, you were over it already. And this is where our vicious circle started. Blame it on our young age? I don’t know.
As much as you made me happy, you had the power to hurt me as well. And you did hurt me to the core once. I wont go too much into details, but the decision you made for both of us was, in my opinion out of place, and as a matter of fact, totally against your religion, and in addition to that, not yours to make. Thankfully it did blow away in no time.
This was the moment, the moment that changed our relationship. After that, I couldn’t see you in the same lights anymore, and my view changed. I realized that despite this beautiful human being that you are and the love you had for me, you were never there on any of my birthdays. You didn’t want to meet my partner in crime. I was never there for your birthdays except one, where you came to sleep at mine after partying with your boys. You never introduced me to your friends. I only briefly talked to your brother over the phone ones.
I do understand part of those things you did – or didn’t do.
Despite all those things my lovely P, I still couldn’t think of anyone else when I got asked who was the one who got away.
I know you said you couldn’t be the one that got away as you were still here. But fact of matter is: You are not. We have established this distance between us so we can both move on, which we both did. Even if I am convinced that we were perfect for each other, spent lots of amazing and funny days and nights, hilarious moments (like when I was walking behind you after your birthday party and you got scared and started running – even if you say you were trying to punch…we both know the truth) You will always be part of my life and I will always have love for you.
Whenever you need someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, to cry with…You can count on me, I will be your mother whenever you need someone to take care of you, your brother whenever you need someone to have fun with “So I'll be your water bathing you clean. Liquid blue. I'll be your father, I'll be your mother, I'll be your lover, I'll be yours, I'll be your liqour bathing your soul” #Placebo
